It’s annoying, when I’m angry but no one knows. Pretty sure if they knew, they wouldn’t care too.
I walk around the room, telling everyone to stop slacking and start practising. I go up to them and ask what are they doing, and this person can answer straight to my face that she’s doing chemistry. And I ask her why is she doing that when she should be practicing, she just goes back to her own things. I can repeat a thousand times that they should be practising and no one cares. I can send a thousand smses and emails to remind them to hand in their forms and money and no one cares.
I ask them “so you can play really well already? No need to practise already? Nothing to play already is it?” and no one even looks up. I walked out of the room, slamming the door, and I’m pretty sure no one cared. They don’t ever. I don’t even know what I am to these people. I could pretty much fall apart in front of these people and they’d laugh at me for being weak. Not that they haven’t done that before, laugh at me for being weak, I mean.
I don’t even know why I’m your sectional leader. It doesn’t even mean anything. I’m just another fucked up nobody that annoys the crap out of you guys, I’m sure.
It isn’t even anger anymore.
I actually promised myself I’d be stronger today, that I’d put everything in order, that I wouldn’t cry again. I actually got you guys something. But thank you, for letting me know that I should give up right now. It’s less effort wasted. I remember what you guys say to me all the time okay, that I’m a useless sectional leader, that I fail as one, that I should actually make myself useful. And maybe I shouldn’t blame you guys for that, cos it’s true. Somewhere in those jokes that you guys crack, is truth.